Chapter 66 |
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Where did it all go wrong?
Jung Inho believed that regret was the most useless yet powerful emotion in the world. He knew, however, that just deciding not to feel it didn’t make it go away.
He had tried to ignore it, but he was regretting his actions.
‘I shouldn’t have brushed off his words.’
He should have given more thought to Director Lee Jaehun’s hesitation before he fell asleep.
Jung Inho hadn’t ignored Director Lee Jaehun’s words. He hadn’t taken his reactions lightly. He still remembered the wavering look in his eyes when he had asked his questions.
He just hadn’t anticipated things would get this bad.
‘The bed… it’s a bit uncomfortable.’
‘…….’
‘See? I told you it was nothing.’
He remembered how Director had dismissed his own suffering as mere childish whining.
Despite acting as ‘Director Lee Jaehun,’ he couldn’t hide his discomfort and irritation. But knowing he couldn’t back down any further, he hesitated out of fear of showing weakness, yet eventually, he had to voice his thoughts.
Jung Inho didn’t know how many times Director Lee Jaehun had been to this world before or if there had been conflicts or misfortunes among the survivors as he had speculated. Ultimately, Director Lee Jaehun was a victim, just like those you hear about in the news—random assault victims or those who suffered through serial killings—he had spent an entire night with a nauseating monster.
No matter how many similar experiences someone might have had…
‘There was no way he could recover so quickly.’
Initially, they had been too shocked by his wretched state to notice, but they couldn’t ignore the mental trauma he had suffered.
How could anyone take that lightly?
‘We couldn’t have.’
It wasn’t until then that Jung Inho and the others realized the severity of the situation.
Director Lee Jaehun had been so nonchalant that they had forgotten. Or perhaps they had wanted to believe it. Maybe they had turned a blind eye to the shield that had protected them until now beginning to crumble.
No one had asked what had happened to him after being dragged away by the green algae monster.
If they had truly cared about ‘Lee Jaehun’ as a person, no matter how reluctant he was to talk, they would have asked. If it had been Kang Mina or someone else, it would have been different.
They would have rushed to ask what had happened, where it hurt, what had caused him pain and suffering, trying to offer comfort in the form of questions.
Simply because it was Lee Jaehun, they had neglected a suffering, exhausted patient.
“……”
Jung Inho’s gaze fell on the sleeping form of Lee Jaehun.
No sound reached his ears. Dr. Ha Sungyoon had gone to clean the bandages. Team Leader Kang and Park Dayoung had gone to fetch water from a small lake. Kwon Yeonhee hadn’t joined them. It was clear she was avoiding it intentionally.
Yoon Garam had left to look for edible plants with the students, and Intern Noh Yeonseok had gone to assist them. When they returned, Team Leader Kang Mina might bring back a large stone. They had decided to build the fence before the roof, so she might gather materials with Intern Noh Yeonseok, who had a liking for her.
He had told them to do as they wished, and they probably would.
So, as the designated caregiver, Jung Inho was left alone in the eerie silence, despite there being two people present.
“…Why…”
“……”
“Did you do that?”
His dark eyes settled on the closed-eyed Director Lee Jaehun.
His pupils, indistinguishable in their pitch blackness, might have been obscured by the shadow of the dense trees, or perhaps there was another reason. A cold, somber expression spread across Jung Inho’s face.
He asked again.
“Why did you do it?”
Why, for what reason?
What did you hope to achieve?
“If you had just told us, we would have done everything out of guilt.”
“…….”
“…Why did you act that way, creating this mess?”
When they reunited after the algae monster incident, seeing him in that wretched state had brought tears to their eyes. On the verge of being overwhelmed by guilt, he had refused their suggestion to visit a pharmacy.
“What did he say again?”
Did he say, ‘Who would go there?’
Saying it was too cruel to sacrifice healthy lives for someone who seemed on the brink of death, he had spoken as if he might die the next morning.
Jung Inho had almost let out a bitter laugh at the absurdity of those words and the state of the person saying them.
So he had tried to visit the pharmacy anyway. Even though they had seen monsters in every building, it was unknown if there were monsters in the pharmacy. One good antibiotic could extend their lives.
But it wasn’t possible.
‘Do you think you can keep everyone from dying?’
His confidence to answer had vanished, just like that.
“Why…”
Why did it have to be you, of all people, to say such things?
Why did you, who died so cruelly and miserably before my eyes, question my right to save people, leaving me unable to respond? Why did it have to be Director Lee Jaehun?
Of course, he knew Director Lee Jaehun wasn’t aware he had returned to the past.
‘Because I didn’t tell him.’
Although he had urged him to speak to avoid going mad alone, the fact that he had returned to the past was too unbelievable. So, Jung Inho had withheld the truth from Director Lee Jaehun.
Thus, his harsh words were likely an attempt to unsettle Jung Inho, to make him too uncomfortable to speak. Director was the type of person who would do anything to get the situation and response he wanted, no matter how notorious it made him.
But the real issue was that Jung Inho genuinely didn’t have that confidence.
After witnessing people being shattered like dolls right before his eyes, how could he confidently say he could save them? He wasn’t that shameless.
If only he hadn’t blocked his words like that, Director Lee Jaehun wouldn’t be in this state.
“…….”
Or maybe,
No matter what he did, this would have happened eventually.
‘The fundamental problem remains the same.’
Unless Lee Jaehun changed as a person, this was bound to happen someday.
Jung Inho looked at the sleeping form of Lee Jaehun’s legs. Riddled with stab wounds and burns, so damaged they couldn’t even be described properly anymore, causing him to limp.
Director Lee Jaehun, perhaps, didn’t see himself as human.
“…You would deny it if I said this.”
He muttered to himself, turning his head.
Director Lee Jaehun probably thought he loved himself dearly. Or maybe, knowing his state, he had brainwashed himself that way. Either way, if Jung Inho asked him directly, he would likely deny it.
But from Jung Inho’s perspective, and probably anyone else’s, it didn’t seem like Lee Jaehun cared about himself.
“Of course not.”
How could someone who valued their own body act so recklessly? How low must one’s self-esteem be to refer to oneself in terms of efficiency?
Humans aren’t beings that can live efficiently all the time, and it seemed Director Lee Jaehun knew this too, but at least he didn’t apply that to himself.
‘Let’s think efficiently. I’m the only one injured, and I’m not on the verge of death…’
‘…….’
‘There’s no need for anyone else to suffer more.’
He forced his own sacrifices onto others.
If he had at least demanded sacrifices from everyone but himself, it would have been less laughable. Unfortunately, Lee Jaehun never intended to do that. Just as Dr. Ha Sungyoon said, he was indeed a very stubborn patient.
So, how should Jung Inho deal with this problem?
Raise his self-esteem? How could he solve a problem that even Lee Jaehun himself wasn’t aware of? Should he prevent him from being active? But they still desperately needed Director Lee Jaehun’s help.
As Jung Inho pondered and pondered, he suddenly recalled what Kwon Yeonhee had tearfully said.
‘…You had no expectations.’
“…….”
‘You had no expectations for anything.’
It was something she said right after Director Lee had fainted.
Recalling this, Jung Inho muttered to himself, staring into space.
“It’s obvious.”
From the start, they weren’t in a relationship where expectations could be exchanged.
‘It was doomed from the beginning.’
He didn’t know why or with what determination he played the role of ‘Director Lee Jaehun’, but in the end, Jung Inho despised him. In fact, it was closer to contempt. If someone as perceptive as Jung Inho could be fooled, there was no need to mention the reactions of other colleagues.
Team Leader Kang Mina was exhausted by his baseless lies, and Intern Noh Yeonseok couldn’t believe he worked at a place with such a director. Although Kwon Yeonhee wasn’t in the same department and didn’t know much, her reactions suggested she didn’t think highly of him either.
Their reactions and rejection were only natural. Who could like a superior who constantly disrupted the atmosphere with personal stories, made arbitrary decisions that put them in difficult situations, and treated someone harshly as if suffering from a phobia? If anyone was to blame, it was Director Lee Jaehun for maintaining such an act.
However, well… The fact that he desired such negative reactions and images meant he had essentially struck those who despised him from behind. It was none other than Director Lee Jaehun, whom they ridiculed, playing with them all along.
So, this is what it meant.
Director Lee Jaehun….
“From the beginning, you had no intention of building a proper relationship with us.”
“…….”
“You… never intended to see us as people.”
That’s why Jung Inho called him a bastard.
“Because you didn’t even see yourself as a person.”
This had been decided even before they entered this underworld.
Had they not come to this world, they would have lived believing Director Lee Jaehun’s mask was the truth for the rest of their lives. Even now, knowing a bit of his true self wasn’t something he wanted them to see.
Although he hadn’t wanted it, he couldn’t hide it any longer. No matter what, Director Lee Jaehun wanted to take responsibility for them and save them. Hence, his unreasonable act started to crack, and his twisted true self began to leak out. But it wasn’t because he saw them as people to people.
Throwing a few well-dried sticks into the dwindling campfire, Jung Inho sat back beside Director Lee Jaehun. As always, his movements were calm and natural.
From the flickering flames, no sound could be heard.
“…….”
He recalled the question Lee Jaehun had asked before falling asleep.
‘…Am I a hindrance?’
Discomfort.
Curiosity, anxiety, frustration.
And the sharp gaze that couldn’t bend due to pride. The question of whether they intended to abandon him because he was a hindrance.
Despite thrashing about in nightmares from the algae monster incident or before that, his attitude showed he didn’t care about his own suffering. Just as he always said, efficiency and value were all he considered.
His lips curved into a thin smile.
“Bastard.”
Behind that face, there was no trust directed at them.
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