Chapter 1838: The Point |
1838 The Point
Ryu continued to watch this from a third perspective. By this point, he had realized that he hadn't actually been expelled from his own body; rather, his soul had been forcefully sealed away. Right now, the reason why it felt that he was watching everything from a bird's-eye view was because he was experiencing it through his eyes. Or, rather, an ability of his eyes, [Third Perspective].
This comprehension came slowly, almost like a reminder that he wasn't fully in control of his faculties anymore. He couldn't rely on the mutations to his mind to gain an advantage, but instead had to rely on something much vaguer and far less tangible.
By the time he finished having these thoughts, he was disgusted with the fact that he had wasted time on them at all.
Was the solution really to let his Dao Heart do as it pleased? Or was the solution to suppress his Dao Heart and take control of himself again?
What did it even mean to take control of him? Wasn't his Dao Heart also a part of him? Wasn't it acting like this because of his experiences in life? In that case, wasn't it far more him than whatever tendencies he had had before?
When he was a child, could that even be counted as Ryu Tatsuya? He had seen so little of the world, understood even less than that. His personality at that point seemed more built of chance than anything else, as though the Heavens had just casually given him a special blank slate to start with. It was only after that that he could begin to make changes of his own.
It was all so frustrating because there didn't seem to be an answer. And with his mind snatched away by his Dao Heart, he didn't even have his usual comprehension abilities either.
For the first time, he was stripped of all his talent, all his accolades, and he was forced to look at the world from the perspective of anyone else. To face hardship without extraordinary talent to fall back on.
He had seen them and their actions in this life, but he couldn't muster up anything but disdain for them. The realization that they were, indeed, him, didn't fill him with anything other than humiliation and unwillingness.
But now… he seemed to really understand it.
He could feel the fragility of the mind without the support of the Dao Heart. He could understand how someone could blow with the wind and feel endless despair even when they didn't necessarily want to. He could see how someone could feel both disgusted and unwilling, and yet still do what they felt was necessary to survive.
In fact, he faintly realized that if not for his memories of two lives, he would not just understand these matters, but he would even be accepting of them.
However, just because he did… didn't mean his problems were resolved. Because as far as he could see, this only made everything all the more meaningless.
It was like everyone was the same person. There might be little quirks and tendencies to differentiate them, but there was nothing fundamentally separating them, no large chasm keeping them apart.
To someone else, this might sound great. It would be a feel-good, cheery lesson about how everything was equal and how you should treat your fellow man as such because you never truly knew what they were going through.
Ryu could see that road. The road the Buddhas likely went down, True Monks…
But he just couldn't step down it.
The memories of those lives he spent as a Monk came to mind one after another, and he seemed to see through them all at the same time.
Indeed. In the end, he was simply unwilling to take that step.
The first time he had gone through these thoughts, he thought that that was a sign that he was special, that there was some part of himself that was consistent through his lives…
Now, he felt the same. The difference was that rather than seeing it as Pride like he had chosen to before, he saw it for what it truly was…
Selfishness.
The irony was that those that could go down this road and become true Buddhas were existences that were far better men and women than himself. They were able to embrace the equality of all living creatures even if it meant lowering themselves.
And what was he doing, exactly?
He was unwilling to take that step because he was selfish. He didn't want to admit that he was just like everyone else, that he was only able to make it so far because he was lucky to be blessed with good parents and good talent, that all of his pride and confidence were built on the foundation of cardboard boxes.
He didn't want to look any of that truth in the eye, and it was more frustrating than he was even capable of putting into words.
It was just a single step… and yet, no matter how he tried, he just couldn't take it.
Ryu felt his soul breaking down and for a moment, he felt the weakest he ever had in his life.
He felt weaker than when he learned his Clan had been destroyed, weaker than when his wife ignored his presence, weaker than when he watched his grandparents die in front of him one after another.
More selfishness.
He had seen this side of himself already. For him to feel worse now than when his own flesh and blood passed away before him… what kind of disgusting creature was he, exactly?
Ryu felt his eyes water.
It was an unfamiliar feeling. It had happened so few times in his life, and his mind was so arrogant in its abstinence, that even the Origin Flame couldn't seem to allow him to remember these thoughts and memories clearly.
However, even compared to those vague memories, this was many times worse. It wasn't a reaction of the body, but one of the very soul.
It was said that the eyes were the windows to the soul. When the eyes wept, they were only showing off a small piece, a tiny segment of the soul's emotion.
But this was on another level. It wasn't just a wisp of emotion causing this, but rather Ryu's entire soul was teetering on an edge of no return.
The foundation of his very life seemed to be cracking at its root and he could do nothing about it at all.
Thunder boomed in the skies and rain began to fall despite the cold. It wasn't until the rain hit the ground that it froze over, and Ryu himself didn't seem to notice at all.
He sat there blankly. At the very least, he was no longer numb. But despite this, there didn't seem to be much of a difference anyway.
Life felt completely and totally worthless.
In that moment, he thought of his Life Partner and how resistant he had been in the beginning.
Who were the Heavens to tell him who he should love and who he shouldn't?
The irony of it was that he ended up falling for her anyway. Who knew? Maybe if Yaana's Life Partner was a man as opposed to a plant, she would have left him for them too.
Too much felt entirely out of his control, so much so that it all felt entirely meaningless. He couldn't even control his own body anymore.
They said that what you comprehended wasn't nearly as important as how you came to comprehend it. And sitting here now, Ryu had never felt this to be true as profoundly as he did now.
How many years ago now had it been since Ailsa told him that he was too arrogant? That he was far luckier than most and that he should stop moping about?
It was on the very first day of their very first meeting, in fact. But he had never truly taken it seriously. He seemed to have changed… but had he really?
Was changing just a matter of smiling a bit more and feeling a bit cheerier from time to time? Was changing just not killing everyone for looking at you for a split second too long?
Were any of these things truly changing?
But the irony of it was that now that he truly did understand… he had no motivation to take those steps.
What was the point? When he truly tried to change, his Dao Heart took over. Even if he could get control of his body back, would it even make a difference? If they were all the same, was there a point in changing at all?
At this point, he didn't even care that this was his last life.
He just wanted to be done with it all.
His momentum slowly faded and his strength began to slip away, not because he was growing weaker… but because he couldn't be bothered to sustain it any longer.
Even if this was his last, he was finished with this life.
"RYU!"
An exasperated roar echoed in his ear as though it had just pierced through a veil after countless attempts.
The voice struck him like a bolt of lightning.
