Chapter 97: I Am a Bad Person (4) |
It was sorrowful.
I had thought if I smiled brightly, people would start to notice me.
Even if it hurt, I smiled.
Even if I was sad, I smiled.
Even if they hurled insults at me, I believed that if I kept smiling, eventually the friends who disliked me would start to turn around.
It was the only thing I, the outcast, could do.
It was my only form of rebellion since I had nothing else. I had promised myself to keep smiling no matter what.
But.
The emotional burden that had been piling up had unknowingly transformed into a giant lump of sorrow by the time I realized it.
I just stood there, looking at my desk.
"What is this…?"
I felt as if my mind had gone completely blank.
I couldn't think of anything.
All I felt was the crumbling of the hopes I had built, as I stared at the sinisterly written words.
From behind me, where I stood dazed, came the snickering of laughter.
-Who did that to her?
-Don't know. It was like that when I came in the morning.
-Insane… But isn't she crying?
-Whoa, look…! She's crying.
-Insane, hahaha!
Jeers poured down on me as I kept my head down.
It wasn't consolation that came my way, but mocking laughter, treating my sorrow as a comedy. I fled from the classroom as if to escape.
-What kind of equal academy is this…
-They say it's an academy of equality for everyone… What is this..!
Trying to hold back my tears, I found myself squatting in a corner of the recycling area behind the academy.
My own space, where no one else would go.
The recycling center, bustling only during cleaning time, was the only place I could rest as the ostracized one.
No one to mock me, no passersby—just my own complete space.
It had been my escape when I overheard gossip, or when I had to run from backbiting in the bathrooms.
I planned to sit there with my face buried in my knees just until my complicated emotions subsided. I had always managed to get by this way.
Today, as always, I resolved to cool down my heart and return with a smile on my face.
There was nothing I could do. In a relationship that was already twisted, there was truly nothing I could do.
I hated that all my actions seemed to them like loose screws, and my earnest efforts turned into mere entertainment for their amusement.
So today, here I was again, squatting in this place.
Crouching in the recycling center filled with the stench of garbage, I sniffled at the pitiful state of myself.
-I wanted to do well…
I felt alone.
My current state, where no one would help me, felt especially cold that day.
-Sob…
That's probably why I cried even more that day.
-What did I do wrong for everyone to treat me this way…? I just want to be friends with everyone… Why are they doing this…!
-I want to be friends with you all too… I like making dolls too… I also have someone I like… I want to talk about it with you…
The memory of crying alone in the silent recycling center, where no one ever came, was a painful memory that wouldn't fade.
No one to listen.
The recollection of complaining quietly to myself wouldn't easily disappear.
After crying for a long time,
the bell signaling the start of the class rang, and I tried to pull myself together to stand up.
No matter how upset I was, I had to attend the class. I needed to keep up with the classes to maintain my scholarship, even if it was hard and exhausting.
I tried to lift myself up with difficulty, but my legs wouldn't muster the strength due to the overwhelming sadness.
-I have to go…
I muttered, punching my sluggish legs with my fist.
Let's go. Staying here won't change anything. I urged myself to move.
About three minutes might have passed.
Just as I was struggling to stand up.
-Why are you crying here?
A kind voice halted my footsteps.
With his red hair, tall stature, and a somewhat fierce expression, the man stood behind me with a slight smile.
The man I had a crush on.
The man I had fallen for at first sight appeared before me like fate.
Seeing Ricardo, who wore a mischievous smile and was looking at me, I was so surprised that I fell to the ground.
-Ahh…! How long have you been here?!
-Well… since you said, ‘What did I do wrong!'
Ricardo imitated my upset behavior, causing my face to turn red with embarrassment. I had never been so startled or ashamed in my life.
Having observed Ricardo from afar, he wasn't the image I had pictured, but his unexpectedly approachable demeanor took me by surprise.
I thought he would be incredibly stoic.
And cold.
Irritated by Ricardo's playful behavior, I lowered my head and said.
-Let's go.
-I don't want to.
-The bell rang, you should go.
-I don't want to.
Ricardo retorted firmly.
Despite the bell signaling the start of the class, Ricardo yawned and carefully sat down beside me.
Then, with an annoying expression, he told me.
-I'm smart enough that I don't need to attend classes.
-…Really?
-Jealous?
Ricardo, speaking earnestly with an absurd claim, simply watched my red-flushed face.
Seeing my swollen eyes.
The moisture around them.
Ricardo, with a bitter smile, spoke to me in a calm voice.
-Did you cry?
-No.
-Lies. I saw everything.
-…If you saw, why do you ask?
-It's fun?
Ricardo answered confidently.
Was he always like this…?
The illusion I had about the person named Ricardo was breaking, but as I saw the sunlight reflecting off his smiling face, my heart pounded wildly.
‘Pull yourself together…'
-Is there something on my face?
-What?
-You keep looking at me.
-No, it's just… you're handsome…
-What?
-No… what am I saying…! No, I misspoke.
Ricardo smiled at my flustered reaction and took a small handkerchief from the pocket of his butler uniform, offering it to me.
I stared blankly at Ricardo's proffered hand, holding the light brown handkerchief with a faint scent of flowers. I looked at his hand as if asking why he was giving this to me.
-Take it.
-…
-My hand is about to fall off.
Ricardo's touch was gentle. It felt even softer than the handkerchief.
Perhaps because of the emotion I felt at that moment, it seemed even smoother.
After receiving Ricardo's handkerchief, I could only stare at it blankly. It had been so long since someone had treated me with such warmth. At the same time, the overwhelming feeling of a fateful encounter with someone I had secretly watched bubbled up inside me.
-Sob…
-Why are you crying again?
-I'm not crying…
Ricardo, considering my feelings, turned away and muttered.
-You're very bad at lying.
The first encounter with Ricardo remained an unforgettable memory for me.
-Oh, I forgot to introduce myself.
Ricardo, squatting beside me, told me his name.
-My name is Ricardo. I'm in the same first year, first class as you. And… they say I'm a troublemaker.
-I'm… Yuria.
-Yuria. That's a pretty name.
-Thank you.
Starting from small talk to casual daily conversations, time seemed to fly by quickly.
Although I knew I should go to class, my fluttering heart kept holding me back, wanting to stay just a little longer.
After about thirty minutes had passed,
I got up quickly, driven by a sense of anxiety.
-I should go now.
-Why? Let's talk a bit more.
-But… the class…
Ricardo said with an awkward smile.
-Ah… I… can't. The class.
-What?
-Um…
Ricardo stood up, dusting off his trousers, and said.
-You'll see if you go.
Ricardo, moving leisurely as if nothing mattered in his seemingly ruined academy life, left an impression on me.
I followed him quietly, surprised by his response. My throat was tight from crying, and I didn't know what to say to the confident Ricardo.
Especially with someone I liked right before my eyes.
I just kept my head down and stole glances at Ricardo's face.
Returning to the classroom, I saw the chaos of the first-year, first-class students.
My desk was clean.
In contrast, the desks of the other students were in disarray.
It looked as if there had been a fight.
A fierce one.
And then.
-Ricardo, where are you!
The shout of a male student looking for Ricardo with a bloody nose filled the classroom.
-Look.
Ricardo said to me with an awkward smile.
-I told you we wouldn't have class.
Ricardo confidently entered the classroom and stood in front of the searching male student, smiling slightly.
-Catch me if you can!!!
Ricardo ran off like a madman.
*
That evening I found out.
The person who scribbled on my desk was the male student looking for Ricardo.
And after I ran out of the classroom,
Ricardo cleaned my desk with the male student's head while I was hiding in the recycling center, which I learned by chance.
-That guy's crazy, telling you. He smashed his face into the desk… ‘Clean it,' he said. Ugh…
-Just as crazy as his mistress. Acts like a lunatic too.
-So what happened?
-He must've gotten suspended, right?
That day at the recycling center,
For the first time, I was glad to have a visitor.
Holding my pounding heart tightly,
I listened to the students' conversations.
*
The buzz of alcohol is coming on.
Feeling a bit tipsy with old memories, my emotions got a bit too intense.
Yuria sighed as she chewed on the jerky.
"Sigh…"
And then a man with a small smile placed a drink in front of her.
"Why are you drinking alone like a tragic heroine?"
Yuria looked up.
The man with red hair.
Ricardo was sitting in front of her, smiling.
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